Here we are at part 3 of our simplifying January stuff with expectations -v- needs and wants.
When I talk about expectations I’m talking about the expectations of others and what they expect of us and how we expect our own self to meet those expectations!
When we do that it means that we can become our inauthentic selves. By doing what everybody else expects can create feelings which are unsettling and confusing. Of course, we can also become angry and resentful which can lead to our own in internal conflict and that little bundle of feelings and emotions has a whole unexpected range of ways of coming out!
So here are three quick and simple ways to get you started on the road to owning your stuff and meeting your needs…
1. Learn to say no!
To start you off all you need to do is write down some simple phrases which you can practice (in front of the mirror if you like) in readiness to buy yourself some time.
Here are a couple of quick examples;
1. I can’t give you an answer right now but I’ll come back to you in a couple of days. (Make sure you do what you say)
2. That’s really great/kind that you would ask me but my answer is no.
3. I’m Saying no because I’m not able to commit right now.
Why not get started straightaway and write down a couple more for yourself while you’re here.
2. Learn to communicate clearly!
The quick and simple response to this is to own your feelings and remember to use “I statements” rather than using phrases like “you make me feel”.
For instance you might say...
“When you don’t let me know that you are going to be late coming home you make me feel...”
And this can be turned into an “I” statement by saying...
“When you don’t let me know that you are going to be late home I feel…”
3. Know what you want and who you are!
Get to know yourself. Who are you? What are your likes and dislikes? How do you feel right now on a scale of 1 to 10? Do you know your responsibilities, do you know your values and beliefs? Do you know your shoulds and shouldn’ts?
How can you make this simple?
I would say… try creating a simple journal which can be started off with the above questions or by writing a simple sentence each day such as "today I felt really happy/angry/sad because..."
Actually (light bulb moment) the next blog I'm doing is going to be about creating the imperfect journal so you could simply start there!
So that’s it for this simple blog and don’t forget that if, whilst you are doing this work, you trigger some difficult emotions remember to look after yourself. Some ways in which you can do that are... by journalling what comes up for you, talking to a trusted friend or seeking counselling.
If you want to make an appointment for counselling then you can give me a call on
Don’t struggle alone!