Why am I like this?

This is probably one of the most common questions I get asked in therapy.

 It’s not always said out loud.

Often, it’s a quiet whisper that’s sometimes through tears,

and at other times it might be through a mix of frustration and humour.

Why do I overthink everything?

Why can’t I say what I truly want to say?

Why do I behave this way?

They’re exhausting questions, right?

And yet, with a little curiosity they can be the doorway to understanding yourself better.

I believe that counselling with it’s reflections and curiosity are keys to understanding ourselves and making changes.

Often, when we ask “Why am I like this?”, it’s not because we’re searching for meaning, it’s because we’re tired. Tired of the behaviours, tired of the patterns, tired of the thoughts, and tired of feeling the way we do.

I’ve asked myself this question too and I’ve had to dig deep to uncover answers for myself…

Why do I always respond like that?

Why do I always try so hard, striving to get it right?

Why do I constantly feel responsible for everything and everyone?

For each of us who have the same or similar questions the answers will be different. But the one thing runs through them all is that these patterns come from our past experiences.

They are learned responses that, at one time, served a purpose at a time when they helped us feel safe, accepted, or loved. 

I hear you say that you came from a good loving family and you didn’t have to protect yourself but that doesn’t mean, without realising of course, that your parents didn’t put should’s or could’s on you like

You should do as you are told

You should be strong

You should be clever

You should be the best

You shouldn’t cry

You should…

Maybe you learned to stay quiet to avoid conflict. Perhaps you took care of everyone else because it made you feel needed. You may have become the “fixer” because that role fell to you.

The thing is, these strategies may have served you well in the past but now they may be holding you back from thriving.

Here’s a little creative exercise to help you figure it out a little bit…

The Patchwork Self

You’ll need: Paper, pens, pencils, crayons, paints or whatever materials feel inviting to you.

Step 1:

Draw or collage a patchwork quilt, creating a patch for each of the various aspects or parts of yourself, such as the helper, the perfectionist, the quiet one, the peacekeeper, or the tired one.

Step 2:

Label each patch with a few words about when that part shows up, what it’s trying to do for you, and how it helped you when you were younger.

For example:

• The Quiet One might have avoided conflict by sitting quietly with a book while others argued.

• The Peacekeeper might have learned to smooth things over to keep the family calm.

• The Perfectionist may have worked hard to earn praise and feel worthy.

  
  

Take your time with this and be gentle and kind to yourself.  Each part has developed for a reason, helping you to feel safe, accepted, or loved.

When you step back and look at your quilt, you might begin to see how these parts connect to patterns such as people-pleasing or have affected your sense of self-worth.

• The Peacekeeper may have learned that keeping others happy was the safest way to stay connected and now, she still finds it hard to say no.

• The Perfectionist might believe her value lies in doing things flawlessly because mistakes mean failure or disapproval.

• The Helper might struggle to rest because she feels needed only when she’s being useful.

• The Quiet One might have learned that being unseen was safer than being criticised so now she holds back her voice, even when she wants to speak up.

Each of these parts was once trying to protect you from rejection, criticism, or loss of love. But over time, they can quietly chip away at self-esteem, teaching you that your worth depends on how much you do, how well you perform, or how happy you keep everyone else.

I hope that this exercise has helped you to begin to see those links with compassion and to recognise that these patterns weren’t weaknesses but were survival skills. And now, you have the chance to update them

for the life you’re living today by gently asking yourself…

“How do these parts help me today?”

You might find that:

• The Quiet One is now a thoughtful listener, sensitive to others’ needs.

• The Grown-Up One is dependable and steady, the one people trust.

• The Peacekeeper brings calm and empathy into relationships.

This step can help you see that each part still holds gifts even if some are ready to evolve. You’re not a collection of flaws to fix, but a beautiful patchwork of experiences, wisdom, and growth

Bringing It All Together

As you look at your patchwork, noticing your quiet, hardworking, kind, and caring parts remember that every piece once served a purpose. They’re not mistakes or flaws, instead they’re the evidence of how you survived, grew and adapted giving you the clues to “Why am I like this?”

I think that the beauty of this work lies in seeing that you can keep the wisdom from those parts while letting go of the old rules that no longer fit. It’s not about changing who you are it’s about coming home to yourself, one gentle stitch at a time.

A Gentle Invitation

If any of this resonates and if you’ve been asking yourself, “Why am I like this?” and you’re ready to explore deeper and wider with compassion and curiosity then I’d love to support you.

You can book a free introductory chat with me  HERE

And if you’re a fellow therapist or counsellor, I also offer creative supervision, a space to explore your own patchwork of parts and patterns in your client work and you can book your free introductory chat HERE

Warmest Wishes

Jules x

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